family

13 years ago

13 years ago I said I do. 13 years ago I walked down the isle to my best friend. 13 years ago I promised my love and devotion to my prince charming. 13 years ago I devoted my life to another man in a way that I never thought was possible. 13 years ago I was promised the world.

I was 18.

We were married two weeks before he left for Iraq. We were young and so in love. No one even tried to stop us. Everyone pretended to support our decision. I walked down the isle in a blue dress that cost less than $20. We couldn’t even afford fancy rings, or anything for that matter. We invited our best friends and our parents. That was it. We spent two weeks together and then he left for nine months. I went off to college and tried to survive living in a dorm with a floor of partying college girls. I was always the one left behind because I made a promise to not go to any parties. I made a lot of promises, and I kept every single one of them.

I feel like that first year of college was a glimpse into my future and just how much I was going to have to give up in order to follow my military man all around the world. I had no idea. I was just too young, and blinded by love.

I often wonder what would of happened if someone would of told us just to wait. I wonder if we would have listened.

I wished we would of. We had our entire lives ahead of us. There was no need to rush anything, but we did, and we failed.

We failed each other. We failed our children. We failed at choosing each other everyday, under every circumstance, no matter what. We failed at dating each other. We failed at working together as a team. We failed at making each other feel loved and wanted. We failed at being present to each other. We failed at looking over each others faults. We just failed.

So now I sit here 13 years later, on what used to be a very important date, and I feel numb. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I don’t think I want to feel. I just want to pretend it is just another ordinary day.

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